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  • Writer's pictureAnna Lauri

Maybe it’s the microdose...

Yup, maybe it's the microdose keeping me honest, keeping me introspective, and keeping me committed to actually showing up in this world how I want…

I had an instance this last week of needing something… attention. I reached out via phone. No answer. The call went unacknowledged. As if it were 1990, and the call happened before called ID, to our land line and we happened to be gone and the caller didn’t leave a message on our answering machine. When we all know, it showed up in notifications...

A couple more days passed. My need for attention (or maybe it was connection) wasn’t met, so I sent a text message that basically addressed him as…”hey, Jackass!” I knew it was mean, passive aggressive… maybe just aggressive…and I hit send anyway.

I immediately regretted it. I had wild dreams that night. While I don’t remember them, I remember waking up feeling heavy, and filled with regret and shame. I knew he wouldn’t think any thing of it and it would probably be received as playful banter - but it was eating me up.

When he responded shortly after I woke (likely after he woke), I immediately apologized. And continued to sit in the shame. Later he told me he wasn’t offended. I told him I was. I was offended with how I acted and how I spoke.

Somewhere, I got attention for being a brat. Maybe back then, it’s all I knew to get attention.

But I know better now. I know I would be sad, disappointed, maybe even angry if someone addressed me that way. So I apologized. I thought about the why of my actions… my need (completely unexpressed) wasn’t being (magically) met and somewhere in my life, being an actual jackass, got me what I needed…and now it was a part of my programming. Part of programming that I’m at least aware of and can attempt to, at least.

That’s not who I want to be. It’s not who I want to show up as…especially toward people I genuinely care about.

Part of what I took away from my time in the jungle was, I wouldn’t be magically healed. That I’d be presented with situations where I could see how it was, and hopefully be able to pivot to how I wish to be, without that programming - to step consciously live and operate without the background noise and feedback...which constantly told me I didn't matter, that I don't matter. I consciously get to work to rewriting this.

Unfortunately it means, when I'm walking around living without intention, and operating from my subconscious mind it means I'll keep getting opportunities to

step back, slow down and consciously live and communicate. Or... just be angry, annoyed and disappointed.

Thankful for the awareness in what was a stupid text and what it’s shown me.

No one magically knows what you need. Express your needs and expectations, and give people the opportunity to step up, or step out.

  1. When I feel sad, disappointed, hurt, angry…I will be the worst version of myself…if left to my unconscious way of showing up.

  2. Growth is a overwhelming at times.

  3. Apologizing is too.

  4. But a bit easier with some self compassion, introspection, self-forgiveness and surrounding yourself with like minded people who meet you with grace (or grit if that’s what you need) and love.

Would love feedback…can you relate? Have your (unspoken) needs not been met…and you lash out?

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1 Comment

Arthur Lauri
Arthur Lauri
Jul 26, 2022

I don't think that we should always be surrounded by like minded people. We should try to look at other perspectives. Our view of ourselves and the world may be stuck in a fog of like minded people and unable have empathy for others opinions.

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